I feel like I am on a runaway train. Yep, not stopping at any stations, just full steam ahead, and get out of the way. It is making me feel insane with it's ferocity. The more I think about it the more I anxious I become.
Yes I reckon it's all based on my high levels of anxiety. Oh did I tell you what it is? No? Well it is the same thing I have often mentioned here and everywhere else in my life. Well, it is all consuming. Gawd, that's a funny term of words considering the subject. It's the issue of my eating. Well more my overeating!
Four months on from my serious brush with death, I am in the predictable situation of regaining the weight I had shed. I haven't weighed myself for about four weeks, but I know I feel heavier. I knew at the onset when they put me on the very restrictive caloric diet that I was being set up for a fail. For over thirty years I had been on the weight loss wagon. I lost some and then regained it, each time. I have undergone weight loss surgery (WLS) and lost and regained over thirty kg's plus much, much more. I've tried the food replacement, psychology, you get the picture. The result is always the same-I lose some but regain more.
I have no go slow button. No moderation, it's all go for me.
I feel for my family. I really do. I often think how hard it must be for them living with me and the consequences of my poor choices. That's the bloody maddening thing about this particular issue, it does impact others.
From the time I wake up at about 5am until I go to bed at night I crave food. I no sooner eat one thing and I'm thinking about the next thing I can eat. I experience it as a deep, empty hunger feeling, although there is the another part of me that thinks/knows that this is is not a real need for food hunger, but an anxiety led frenzy. Okay, so then let's control the anxiety. Would seem fairly simple really. Well I certainly have my go to tools for that, after all, in another life I used to assist people with anxieties. I use them, sometimes it works, other times not so much.
How frustrating this makes me feel. My youngest daughter has even put calming music onto my iPad (listed as "Mum's Calming Music") to use when necessary.
So when I do eat what am I eating? Everything. Fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, cold meats, yogurts, and lots of extra 'empty' calories such as *cringing in shame* potato chips, cake, lollies, takeaway foods. Now I am really disappointed that I went back to the TA's as I had been able to refrain from eating them for a good while.
So why have I gone backwards? Many reasons, some easily explained some not so.
There are many things at play in my life which contribute to the whole situation, but I wont be able to discuss them all as it directly effects my loved ones.
Suffice to say I am in trouble. I feel so heavy, sad, desperate and hopeless. Feelings that I am sure are shared by the bloke and my kids, some of my siblings, and of course my good friends.
I am so terrified of ending up in the same situation I was in earlier in the year. So scared of dying that I don't fully live.
Wow this has been a heavy post. When I came to the blog I had not real topic in mind, but this just seemed to flow out of me. Guess I needed to release it.
*Note: I want to let anyone reading this that I am not asking for help or miracles, actually miracle will be acceptable. I know that some people feel that they want to help in this situation, but really is there anything that can be done? I will also say that if anyone does read this post and wants to ask questions, please do do and I will try and answer them.
So that's it for now,