Friday, May 25, 2012

Confessions of an Over-eater

I feel like I am on a runaway train. Yep, not stopping at any stations, just full steam ahead, and get out of the way. It is making me feel insane with it's ferocity. The more I think about it the more I anxious I become.
Yes I reckon it's all based on my high levels of anxiety. Oh did I tell you what it is? No? Well it is the same thing I have often mentioned here and everywhere else in my life. Well, it is all consuming. Gawd, that's a  funny term of words considering the subject. It's the issue of my eating. Well more my overeating!

Four months on from my serious brush with death, I am in the predictable situation of regaining the weight I had shed. I haven't weighed myself for about four weeks, but I know I feel heavier. I knew at the onset when they put me on the very restrictive caloric diet that I was being set up for a fail. For over thirty years I had been on the weight loss wagon. I lost some and then regained it, each time. I have undergone weight loss surgery (WLS) and lost and regained over thirty kg's plus much, much more. I've tried the food replacement, psychology, you get the picture. The result is always the same-I lose some but regain more.
I have no go slow button. No moderation, it's all go for me.
I feel for my family. I really do. I often think how hard it must be for them living with me and the consequences of my poor choices. That's the bloody maddening thing about this particular issue, it does impact others. 
From the time I wake up at about 5am until I go to bed at night I crave food. I no sooner eat one thing and I'm thinking about the next thing I can eat. I experience it as a deep, empty hunger feeling, although there is the another part of me that thinks/knows that this is is not a real need for food hunger, but an anxiety led frenzy. Okay, so then let's control the anxiety. Would seem fairly simple really. Well I certainly have my go to tools for that, after all, in another life I used to assist people with anxieties. I use them, sometimes it works, other times not so much.
 How frustrating this makes me feel. My youngest daughter has even put calming music onto my iPad (listed as "Mum's Calming Music") to use when necessary. 

So when I do eat what am I eating? Everything. Fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, cold meats, yogurts, and lots of extra 'empty' calories such as *cringing in shame* potato chips, cake, lollies, takeaway foods. Now I am really disappointed that I went back to the TA's as I had been able to refrain from eating them for a good while. 
So why have I gone backwards? Many reasons, some easily explained some not so. 
There are many things at play in my life which contribute to the whole situation, but I wont be able to discuss them all as it directly effects my loved ones.
Suffice to say I am in trouble. I feel so heavy, sad, desperate and hopeless. Feelings that I am sure are shared by the bloke and my kids, some of my siblings, and of course my good friends. 
I am so terrified of ending up in the same situation I was in earlier in the year. So scared of dying that I don't     fully live. 
Wow this has been a heavy post. When I came to the blog I had not real topic in mind, but this just seemed to flow out of me. Guess I needed to release it. 

*Note: I want to let anyone reading this that I am not asking for help or miracles, actually miracle will be acceptable. I know that some people feel that they want to help in this situation, but really is there anything that can be done? I will also say that if anyone does read this post and wants to ask questions, please do do and I will try and answer them.

So that's it for now, 


  1. The first time I lost significant amounts of weight in my life, it was like a mental switch that turned over and I sailed along. When it changed, I gained it all back and could not find the place in me where that switch was located. This most recent time, I did it by throwing a million tiny switches over years and it has been horribly difficult and exhausting. So many of them keep switching back and I have to keep going over and over them again. Sometimes, I thought I would go mad and many times, I wanted to just stop. That is, I wanted to stop, not "give up". There's a difference.

    I don't have any answers for anyone except me, except to say that you might be expecting too much of yourself and you need to worry about you and not your family. I think your family being any part of this outside of supporting you makes it that much harder because you feel you don't have control of your life. And, as I've said before, you can't gain control of something by surrendering it to others and giving you the sense that you have even less control than before.

    I wish I had a miracle for you, but I don't even have one for me. I just want to say that I care and I've been where you are (and may be there again some day, though I hope not and think probably not). I know how you are despairing and how out of control you feel. I lived there for all but about 6 years or so of my life (the last 3 included). It's a hard battle, but the only way to win, unfortunately, is to keep fighting it one switch at a time.

  2. Jan love, on reading this post, I ask the question - if you stopped blaming yourself for the things you're not able to control, and started looking for what causes these feelings and behaviours to occur - do you think you might step out of the cycle of self loathing and punishment?

    I don't know what the resources are like for you in your area, but one of the best things I ever did was to get help for my mental health, and start to fix that. Because surprisingly, when you start to unlock all that emotional stuff, and work on understanding how and why you think and do the things you do... the physical health stuff follows behind it.

    I think you underestimate your strength, and your value. I think that if you could see what I see... you might find you can balance things and get control over the things that feel out of control right now.

    Big hugs!