Wednesday, March 21, 2012

One step forward two steps backward

I wrote a post on Saturday but I wasn't able to post it and well...time for a new one I think. Not much happening here for me. I am in a bit of a dark patch at the moment. Well I have been there for a while to be truthful. I lack the motivation and inspiration to colour my days. I feel like my mind is closing up little by little. I have no answers. No solutions. Nor do I expect others to have them. I recently put up a Facebook status looking for some positive, supportive words, some connection with my friends and acquaintances. I was pleasantly overwhelmed at the response. People from all walks of life from countries all over the world responded to my plea. I was so very humbled.
Such wisdom I would never have known had it not been for the medium that is the internet.
On the home front things have been in high flux of late. High levels of stress are no good for you and we are all doing it tougher than normal. Most of it is of course my health. Or lack of good health.

Yep, I have had a major setback. Don't know what else to call it.
I have been highly anxious and feeling out of control. Well to be honest I have not felt in control for a long time. It's an odd feeling. Being an adult with five grown children, married for some twenty eight years (this November) and yet feeling like a child waiting for instructions to go about my day.
It may surprise some who read this blog that some days when the bloke gets home from work and asks me what I did today I answer nothing. Yep nothing! I went to the loo, I ate, yeah I ate, went on the computer nearly all day. But nothing productive.

Sure I have the occasional day when I momentarily get some get up and go and manage to sew a few blocks or even cut and piece a small quilt. That is why I am enjoying sewing at the moment now my daughter is expecting her first baby. The quilts and blankets are small and can be finished quickly. The following two pictures show the small quilts I have done. There is plenty more in the pipework. Add to that the decorations for the wedding which will take place not quite two months after the birth and it adds up to some high energy times ahead.

This purple pom pom is our first effort to produce the decorations for the wedding. As some long term readers might remember we are creating this lovely wedding on a budget. One place where we can save some money is the decorations. I have seen similar tissue paper pom poms sell for $20 a pop. I found a YouTube tutorial and of we went. My daughter made this one and it was easy peasy. We are going to buy more tissue paper, in a range of colours and make them in different sizes.  

So there we have it. A brief account of what I am up to.

I am still alive, still struggling and hoping for some inner strength. I know it's there, but I need heaps of it and sooner than later.

Take care,


  1. None of us ever have perfect control (I know I don't!), nor do I believe humans should strive for such. I always try to find control in tiny doses throughout the day and not focus too much on the big picture. It's not about not eating this or that. It's about waiting 5 minutes to eat it or eating less of it than I absolutely want to eat. Sometimes, I manage. Sometimes, I don't.

    I don't know if anything I say will help you, but I would encourage you to focus on the behaviors, not the outcomes of those behaviors. Standing up and walking across the room and back once an hour three or four times a day or leaving one bite on the plate was where I started. The thing about these things is that they were my choices and my accomplishments. I didn't feel like a child because I decided what to do and when to do it.

    I know how you feel and it's because someone is putting a gun to your head health-wise. How can you make changes and feel like you are the one in charge when people are saying you have to do these things or you will die? I say, set all of that aside and focus on quality of life, which is much more important. Also, focus on the notion of mastering yourself and understanding yourself. Health improvements will be a potential outcome of these changes, but you cannot control your health directly so I'd say focus on controlling what you can and framing your successes as mastery of your mind. In no way am I saying this is easy (it's harder than many people can imagine), but just that it's a road on a long and arduous path.

    As always, my very best to you and I'm pulling for you!

  2. Thanks for that SFG. I know you understand as you truly get what I am experiencing and why. I think I will try to minimise the outside chatter from every direction and my own negative self talk. I am scared, but will need to calm myself as this matter does not have to be scary, it can be daunting, but I shouldn't be afraid. I am off to walk to the sink. :)

  3. Jan, those backward step days are so downheartening aren't they. Just keep up the chats and the posts, you know it all takes time and a hard time at that. We are all here for you should you need anything. Sending you strength to help you climb back up that ladder and head towards the sunlight again.