Well I'm back again to talk a little more about the changes to my eating style. Previous to my hospital admission I was not following a program that would result in weight loss. I had long since given up on the idea that I would be successful in this area. I knew that it was not a healthy attitude by any stretch of the imagination. I suppose in a way I put my mind into neutral and carried on comforting myself with the very thing that was actually harming me, and maybe even killing me.
Firstly I think it might be helpful to speak about my history.
I come from a long line of eaters. Eating to my family is the one thing we shared that we also enjoyed. Coming from an Italian background food was the main attraction to our get togethers. But whilst many can control their portion sizes and what they choose to eat I was never mindful of this. I ate until I was stuffed, often crying because I had a tummy that was overfull. This was me as a child. Similar thing happened when I attended birthday parties, I would eat the rich party foods and be sick when I returned home. Although this wasn't just me, as many other kids had the same problem.
Anyway, as I grew up I kept up the eating.
Food was my crutch, in good times and bad.
The only times I ate very little is when I visited my boyfriends family home and was too embarrassed to eat in front of them, so I would take a little bite of food and leave the rest. Boy was I hungry after a couple of days. I would make up for it when I got home. (we had a long distance relationship).
I met the bloke when I was about 19 years old and married at 20 and had a baby quite quickly, just before my 21st birthday. At this stage I was about 101kg and my doctor told me to lose weight as I was too big. However instead of getting smaller I was becoming increasingly bigger. My first child was quite unsettled and I also developed post natal depression, which 26 years ago was really just becoming more widely recognised. Unfortunately, I didn't know I had it until much, much later. In the mean time one way I was able to stay awake during the night to comfort her was to eat. I would scoff ice-cream, lollies, chips, biscuits. You name it and I ate it. It worked. It kept me going until baby would finally sleep and then I could too. Of course after this I joined WW, Easy Slim, tried the diets from the Women's Weekly magazine, all to no avail. My eating was taking over me. I had another four pregnancies and each time I got bigger and bigger.
he ensuing years were filled with much self loathing and derision. I felt terrible and my self esteem was shot.
This is when major depression set in. I was one unhappy girl.
So this brings me to now. I have had a massive wake up call. I have so ill that I nearly died.
My lifestyle needs to change if I wish to live further. And I do. I really want to be here for my family, my friends and most importantly me.
But to get to the state where I can safely say I have done it, is going to take more strength than I know. To be honest others have more confidence in me than I have, and that is not a good place to be in. I need to feel it too.
But I have no evidence that I am capable of conquering this massive undertaking. So I need help real quick to change this mindset. I have the support from family, friends and even people I have never even met in person. I am amazed at how a community I belong too via the Internet can mean so much to me.
Since being home we have been eating some beautiful food. Trying hard to stick to the daily limit of 6000 kj. I know there have been a few days when I have gone over that. It is so hard when I see delicious food. The dietitian told me that even so called healthy food can be over eaten. This means fruit which I enjoy a lot needs to be limited to 2 pieces a day. Not happy about that.
So this rescue Jan program will be the most challenging of my life. But I am here and I am saying I will give it my best shot. On days when I loose my way I will be kind to myself and not self flagellate. It's no good for the soul.
In the mean time, apart from the healthier food choices and portion control I am listening to relaxation music, classical music and the odd rock song in an attempt to calm my fears and anxieties. I have a long way to go.
But I hope to record my results here, amongst other parts of my life that come up.
I hope to be able to sew again soon, my attention span is still limited at the moment. I am quite surprised I have been able to write so much, when I can hardly keep my eyes open.
My insomnia has kicked in big time. :)
The photos I have put in this post are just a selection from my life recently and I like to put pics in my posts.
Well for some unknown reason I was unable to place the pics in between the words like I wanted to so they are all here now.
A view of our pantry. Most of the foods in here are fine to eat as they are the things that make food taste better. Anything too rich has been chucked. Lets see if anyone can see anything that might be better not being in here. ")
Till next time, take care