Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Quilt of My Life

Hi. I have finally summoned up the energy and enthusiasm to write another post, after my efforts on Monday vanished into thin air. It was a brilliant piece too, even if I do say so. Modest aren't I?
Anyway, it's been a big week for various reasons, including the second anniversary of my mum's death, and also eleven years since my best friends little girl passed, (she was just three years old).
It's times like this that see me deep in contemplation. Grieving for the loss of these loved ones from our lives, happy that we were lucky enough to know them and wondering if we will meet again.

As I said to my friend our memories will never fade, and our love lives on.
Additionally, this week and maybe even today, two people whom I have known for many years may be coming to visit. One person is someone who I used to work with, and have known since my eldest daughter was in grade 3, and the other is another long time friend who moved away and we lost contact for a while. The thing is with the last person, I had tried to contact via email, text and facebook messages, with no response at all. Heck I even wrote to her on her facebook page without any response so when she called me about two weeks ago I was most surprised, but warmly welcomed her call and now she is in town and wants to come visit me. So we shall see what happens there. 
Do things like that happen to you to? 
I feel awkward sometimes as I wonder what they may say when they see me in the situation I am now in.
I also must admit that their impending visit is arousing a little anxiety in me as their has previously been much diet and weight loss talk involved and to be honest where I am now I just don't want to go there. It leaves me feeling inadequate and a failure. I tend to want to eat more than usual after they leave. This happens when others who visit me do it too. I have not worked out a polite way of telling them to stop with the diet speak, the ideas they have for saving myself, to lose weight for the new baby, so I can be there for my family, so I can go back to work again. Even my psychologist discusses the latest vegan craze or particular eating methods. 
Stop already folks! 
I wonder what their true motives are for offering me all sorts of reductionist ideas. We tend to all think that people who do this do so from a place of care, it's '├žos they love us, want us to 'get better', live longer. 
You know, I don't disregard them entirely, but when I am struggling to keep myself going, to prevent myself from going under on the waves that I call depression, it is so much harder. But for some time now, I have noticed a lightening in my moods and where once I despaired of ever being happy again, I am feeling that emotion much more often. 
I have no wish to not exist any more. 
I am enjoying a collection of moments that pieced together make the quilt of my life. And what a beauty it is too. 

Well my lovelies, if your wondering about my daughter and her pregnancy status, she is still holding on. Official due date is next Thursday, however there are signs he might arrive earlier. But then again my first baby was overdue and this little blessing might be too. Rest assured you will be hearing from me then.

So take care and enjoy the moments...

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