Confessions of an Over-eater

I feel like I am on a runaway train. Yep, not stopping at any stations, just full steam ahead, and get out of the way. It is making me feel insane with it's ferocity. The more I think about it the more I anxious I become.

Yes I reckon it's all based on my high levels of anxiety. Oh did I tell you what it is? No? Well it is the same thing I have often mentioned here and everywhere else in my life. Well, it is all consuming. Gawd, that's a  funny term of words considering the subject. It's the issue of my eating. Well more my overeating!

Four months on from my serious brush with death, I am in the predictable situation of regaining the weight I had shed. I haven't weighed myself for about four weeks, but I know I feel heavier. I knew at the onset when they put me on the very restrictive caloric diet that I was being set up for a fail. For over thirty years I had been on the weight loss wagon. I lost some and then regained it, each time. I have undergone weight loss surgery (WLS) and lost and regained over thirty kg's plus much, much more. I've tried the food replacement, psychology, you get the picture. The result is always the same-I lose some but regain more.

I have no go slow button. No moderation, it's all go for me.

I feel for my family. I really do. I often think how hard it must be for them living with me and the consequences of my poor choices. That's the bloody maddening thing about this particular issue, it does impact others. 

From the time I wake up at about 5am until I go to bed at night I crave food. I no sooner eat one thing and I'm thinking about the next thing I can eat. I experience it as a deep, empty hunger feeling, although there is the another part of me that thinks/knows that this is is not a real need for food hunger, but an anxiety led frenzy. Okay, so then let's control the anxiety. Would seem fairly simple really. Well I certainly have my go to tools for that, after all, in another life I used to assist people with anxieties. I use them, sometimes it works, other times not so much.

 How frustrating this makes me feel. My youngest daughter has even put calming music onto my iPad (listed as "Mum's Calming Music") to use when necessary. 

So when I do eat what am I eating? Everything. Fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, cold meats, yogurts, and lots of extra 'empty' calories such as *cringing in shame* potato chips, cake, lollies, takeaway foods. Now I am really disappointed that I went back to the TA's as I had been able to refrain from eating them for a good while. 

So why have I gone backwards? Many reasons, some easily explained some not so. 

There are many things at play in my life which contribute to the whole situation, but I wont be able to discuss them all as it directly effects my loved ones.

Suffice to say I am in trouble. I feel so heavy, sad, desperate and hopeless. Feelings that I am sure are shared by the bloke and my kids, some of my siblings, and of course my good friends. 

I am so terrified of ending up in the same situation I was in earlier in the year. So scared of dying that I don't     fully live. 

Wow this has been a heavy post. When I came to the blog I had not real topic in mind, but this just seemed to flow out of me. Guess I needed to release it. 

*Note: I want to let anyone reading this that I am not asking for help or miracles, actually miracle will be acceptable. I know that some people feel that they want to help in this situation, but really is there anything that can be done? I will also say that if anyone does read this post and wants to ask questions, please do do and I will try and answer them.

So that's it for now, 

Lots of News

Hello. A bigger gap between posts than I intended. I have been pleasantly busy and the rest of the time very tired. Even now I am struggling to keep my eyes open. This is not what I expected when I got my BIPAP machine. I thought I would be sleeping better quality sleep for longer but to date this is no happening. One night I even slept through the night. Well that is what I thought. One morning I woke up to find my mask placed neatly on top of the machine. Do not remember doing that at all. :)


Actually there are many things happening that I do not recall. It is worrying me too. I get my words all mixed up and come out with some odd words. I forget so much, and it has an impact on all our lives.
Not sure if this means some brain cells have been killed off permanently or not. 


So although I have cranked up my sewing machine again there has not been too much being done. I am trying to compete the 8 placemats for my DD. 


On other things my doctor has been doing plenty of blood tests, ECG's, oxygen level checks and so on and is pleased to report that they all look good. I also had some special test to see how how my heart is doing after it's recent ordeal. That test showed that things are pretty good there too. Not bad for a fatty I told her. Yes she agreed. :)


So apart from mysterious red, blistery skin on the right leg I have been given the health tick of approval. Although the doc will continue to monitor me for the time being. 

Now onto some very exciting news. Our eldest daughter A (pictured above) is being married this October to her fiance B. We have been planning and costing and doing all the things one needs to do at such a time. 


However, the excitement ramped up recently when they announced that they were expecting a baby! That's right. I am going to become a Nana, and the bloke will be a Poppy. :) To say I am excited is an understatement.
I do so love babies. Guess that's why I had five of my own.


Now the baby is due in August, and the wedding was planned for October. At first they talked of postponing the wedding until the following year, however they agreed that they would go ahead with the October date and the baby will be a lovely addition to their wedding day. Oh I am just about jumping out of my skin in pure delight here.


How could live get any better than this? 
The other four girls are the bridesmaids to their sister and the youngest has already decided that has decided that she will carry the little bub down the ailse.


I am at a loss as to what I can wear to the wedding. As most know it is not easy finding clothes to fit me and add to that the desire to wear something suitable for the mother of the bride and I reckon I am going to be quite sad. This is just another example of  the issues faced by the large in society. I do like the look of the dress underneath. It is the right colour and all.
If there are any talented dressmakers out there please email me.


Anyway, think this is enough excitement for one post. I will try to post some more soon.


Until then take care,


Jan

Goals & Dreams

Lovely gerberas

As the post title suggests each year I have a list of goals and dreams that I hope to achieve over the year. I will share them with those people who are involved in my life so they can see if they can come on board to help me achieve them.

This year's are similar to 2010's goals, I suppose what you could call recurrent goals and dreams.

They are:

On the health front

1. Continue to work on my health. This will involve continuing to have regular medical appointments and seeing other health professionals as needed. I need to confront my fears in this regard and allow myself to accept their help. (I don't like the dentist)

2. Continue to have 6 small meals per day. These meals will be as nutritionally balanced and tasty as we can make them, and not go above the 2000 calorie per day limit.

3.Continue to explore new foods and try new recipes.

4. Leave the house more. Now this is a biggie for me, due to several reasons. However with planning and foresight could be doable.

5. Continue my search for peace and authenticity. And allow myself to be vulnerable so that I may receive all that is coming my way.

Writing Goals

Endeavour to write often and better. Journal my family of origin details so that the girls will know a little more of their roots. A friend gave me a great bunch of questions to help me to know what to write. She also gave me a pretty journal to record it all in too. Thanks Sue.


Sewing Goals

Well of course it is to sew more.
Use my stash of fabric, and limit fabric buying, even though  the dollar value in the USA is great right now.

Be more adventurous and take risks with new designs. After all what is the worse that can happen? Some fabric might need to be discarded? Well worse things happen at sea, as the saying goes.

I will have many more goals as the year goes on but this enough for now.
I have been in an energy slump, hence the gap in posts.

I did intend to put up some photos of what I have been doing lately but someone has misplaced the lead for the camera. And no it wasn't me, it was the youngest member of the family.