Confessions of an Over-eater

I feel like I am on a runaway train. Yep, not stopping at any stations, just full steam ahead, and get out of the way. It is making me feel insane with it's ferocity. The more I think about it the more I anxious I become.

Yes I reckon it's all based on my high levels of anxiety. Oh did I tell you what it is? No? Well it is the same thing I have often mentioned here and everywhere else in my life. Well, it is all consuming. Gawd, that's a  funny term of words considering the subject. It's the issue of my eating. Well more my overeating!

Four months on from my serious brush with death, I am in the predictable situation of regaining the weight I had shed. I haven't weighed myself for about four weeks, but I know I feel heavier. I knew at the onset when they put me on the very restrictive caloric diet that I was being set up for a fail. For over thirty years I had been on the weight loss wagon. I lost some and then regained it, each time. I have undergone weight loss surgery (WLS) and lost and regained over thirty kg's plus much, much more. I've tried the food replacement, psychology, you get the picture. The result is always the same-I lose some but regain more.

I have no go slow button. No moderation, it's all go for me.

I feel for my family. I really do. I often think how hard it must be for them living with me and the consequences of my poor choices. That's the bloody maddening thing about this particular issue, it does impact others. 

From the time I wake up at about 5am until I go to bed at night I crave food. I no sooner eat one thing and I'm thinking about the next thing I can eat. I experience it as a deep, empty hunger feeling, although there is the another part of me that thinks/knows that this is is not a real need for food hunger, but an anxiety led frenzy. Okay, so then let's control the anxiety. Would seem fairly simple really. Well I certainly have my go to tools for that, after all, in another life I used to assist people with anxieties. I use them, sometimes it works, other times not so much.

 How frustrating this makes me feel. My youngest daughter has even put calming music onto my iPad (listed as "Mum's Calming Music") to use when necessary. 

So when I do eat what am I eating? Everything. Fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, cold meats, yogurts, and lots of extra 'empty' calories such as *cringing in shame* potato chips, cake, lollies, takeaway foods. Now I am really disappointed that I went back to the TA's as I had been able to refrain from eating them for a good while. 

So why have I gone backwards? Many reasons, some easily explained some not so. 

There are many things at play in my life which contribute to the whole situation, but I wont be able to discuss them all as it directly effects my loved ones.

Suffice to say I am in trouble. I feel so heavy, sad, desperate and hopeless. Feelings that I am sure are shared by the bloke and my kids, some of my siblings, and of course my good friends. 

I am so terrified of ending up in the same situation I was in earlier in the year. So scared of dying that I don't     fully live. 

Wow this has been a heavy post. When I came to the blog I had not real topic in mind, but this just seemed to flow out of me. Guess I needed to release it. 

*Note: I want to let anyone reading this that I am not asking for help or miracles, actually miracle will be acceptable. I know that some people feel that they want to help in this situation, but really is there anything that can be done? I will also say that if anyone does read this post and wants to ask questions, please do do and I will try and answer them.

So that's it for now, 

How to get motivated

Motivation. Do you have any? I need some, and sooner the better. It's been especially short of supply since I have up paid employment. With all the time in the world to get things done, or not as is the case for me, there were no time limits, no deadlines to meet. Having a jovial, easy going husband didn't help me keep my previous standards up. Laid back Larry, as I call him, didn't seem to mind when the bills were paid as long as they got paid. Likewise for the meals, as long as there was food in the house, something could be made. So that brings us to an important reason why I need motivation. My health. Yep, the same old thing I've been banging on here about. And everywhere else, much to the frustration of some people I'm sure. I seem unmotivated to work toward changing habits that keep me in this vortex of hopelessness. 


I had a visit from my doctor yesterday and among various checks like oxygen saturation, blood pressure and pulse she asked me if I had managed to make an appointment with a psychologist to work on getting motivated. I had to tell her no I hadn't. I have felt unable to make the call that will supposedly lead me to becoming motivated. Now, before some people think that I am being hopeless and non compliant, I want to explain that seeing therapists is not something new to me. I have been in and out of therapy for well over 10 years; not continual I hasten to add, but sporadic episodes of enthusiastic beginnings which inevitably end with me feeling not much further along in the road. Yes I then feel like I have failed. Both them and myself. I feel a sense of shame that I didn't get it, whatever 'it' is. Well not enough to make the changes necessary to fix my weight problem. I guess this is why I am hesitant to go this route again. I fear failure. 
Today I have made a call and left a message for the preferred psychologist because my doctor told me she wasn't coming back to see me until I had; a great incentive I think.


 She needs to be tough with me.


Another of my tasks is to sit outside on the patio for a while, to overcome the anxiety I have about going 'out their'. And she wants the photographic evidence of said task. Geez she is a funny lady.


So that is tomorrows challenge. I am thinking there will be some who read this post thinking what is she going on about-not going outside. But that explanation can wait for another day and another post. It's all part of the terrible fear off falling.
So with that all said I think I am done with today's ramble. And I also just thought that ig anyone has any questions relating to any content on my blog please email me. Depending on the request I may or may not answer you.
P.S I have just has a txt message from an old friend to arrange a catch up tomorrow. A perfect opportunity to attempt the patio sitting event. I'll let you know how I go, and if the pic looks okay I might even let you see. :)


So until next time,

One step forward two steps backward

I wrote a post on Saturday but I wasn't able to post it and well...time for a new one I think. Not much happening here for me. I am in a bit of a dark patch at the moment. Well I have been there for a while to be truthful. I lack the motivation and inspiration to colour my days. I feel like my mind is closing up little by little. I have no answers. No solutions. Nor do I expect others to have them. I recently put up a Facebook status looking for some positive, supportive words, some connection with my friends and acquaintances. I was pleasantly overwhelmed at the response. People from all walks of life from countries all over the world responded to my plea. I was so very humbled.
Such wisdom I would never have known had it not been for the medium that is the internet.
On the home front things have been in high flux of late. High levels of stress are no good for you and we are all doing it tougher than normal. Most of it is of course my health. Or lack of good health.


Yep, I have had a major setback. Don't know what else to call it.
I have been highly anxious and feeling out of control. Well to be honest I have not felt in control for a long time. It's an odd feeling. Being an adult with five grown children, married for some twenty eight years (this November) and yet feeling like a child waiting for instructions to go about my day.
It may surprise some who read this blog that some days when the bloke gets home from work and asks me what I did today I answer nothing. Yep nothing! I went to the loo, I ate, yeah I ate, went on the computer nearly all day. But nothing productive.

Sure I have the occasional day when I momentarily get some get up and go and manage to sew a few blocks or even cut and piece a small quilt. That is why I am enjoying sewing at the moment now my daughter is expecting her first baby. The quilts and blankets are small and can be finished quickly. The following two pictures show the small quilts I have done. There is plenty more in the pipework. Add to that the decorations for the wedding which will take place not quite two months after the birth and it adds up to some high energy times ahead.

This purple pom pom is our first effort to produce the decorations for the wedding. As some long term readers might remember we are creating this lovely wedding on a budget. One place where we can save some money is the decorations. I have seen similar tissue paper pom poms sell for $20 a pop. I found a YouTube tutorial and of we went. My daughter made this one and it was easy peasy. We are going to buy more tissue paper, in a range of colours and make them in different sizes.  

So there we have it. A brief account of what I am up to.

I am still alive, still struggling and hoping for some inner strength. I know it's there, but I need heaps of it and sooner than later.

Take care,

Being Kind to yourself

I've been tuning in to ABC classical radio and it is proving to be quite refreshing from my usual radio station. Quite beautiful in fact and something very much needed at the moment. I need the serenity it makes me feel. So much has being going on in my little world. Nothing too exciting really, but still draining and wearisome. I have been doing a real number on myself for some time now and it has got to

the stage where I am about to put up the I surrender flag. By this I mean I have not been kind to myself or for that matter not as nice as I could be to others around me either. It has gotten me exactly nowhere but further into the dark abyss that is my depression.

So in accordance with the law of the universe that says when it is a beautiful, sunny, bright, full of potential day, one must be happy, smiling and content. I am. Just for the day though, and then I will see where I go from that. No promises. I am not accountable to anyone but myself. Much less pressure that way.

I have been trying to finish some projects and this has been one cause of my frustration. I am chronically tired so am only able to do things in small time increments. This is very annoying as I have the habit to rushing into things and wanting to get things done last week. Part of a much bigger problem I have. Anxiety/depression are the bane of many peoples lives including mine.

The battle has been big this year, and I am trying to cope the best I know. At the very least I am still here to be counted.

I have frequent visions that I rise from my self imposed nest of comfort AKA the lounge and walk into my kitchen and wash the dishes. I think of it at least three times each day. Then after that I clean the benches; removing every last crumb from every crevice. Then I clean the oven and cook top. Did you know it is good Feng Shui to have a clean cook top and oven? Yes apparently this is the money corner in your house. Heard that on 'The Morning Show' this morning.

Mundane thoughts you are probably thinking but for me they mean I am back participating in my life again. Trying to carry some of the burden that has fallen largely onto the blokes shoulders and to a much lesser extent my youngest daughter.

Some people reading this might wonder at my laziness, but truly I do have a rather major mobility issues that prevents me moving around much and I am unable to stand longer than 2-3 minutes.

But the dream of having my hands in a warm, soapy sink full of dirty plates fills me with hope. (Yes I am easily pleased). I do have a dishwasher, but the need, yes need to wash dishes sits in me. :)

I want to feel productive to the household again and not be a burden. It is not a good place to be that's for sure.

And get this. On Monday night I made a lemon cake. Yes I did. Of course the ingredients were bought to me but I did the rest. Why you ask? Well the bloke, being the kind, generous person he is listened to my ravings about wanting a decent mixer seeing as I had never really had one. So he went out and purhased the one I had researched. I made a great deal with out local electrical shop bloke, who knocked off quite a few dollars seeing as he only had one colour in stock. Red! Be still my beating heart. I love red. It looks so flash. 12 speed, very quiet compared to the thumper my mum had, 3 attachments-whisk, mixer and dough hook and it's motor is a 100 watt more powerful than the sought after Kitchenaid mixer. I am rapt.

Mine is the  Kenwood Patissier which I present to you below. I love that it is all metal and not plastic. I love that the 4 litre bowl has a hande on it. Of course my cake didn't turn out perfect. I read the recipe as needing two cups of flour but it was really only one. So then I bunged in more flour, more sugar, more lemon chucked in some coconut for good measure. The cake had hardly any taste but it was not too bad, and served with cream it was quite eatable. Next time I will stick to s tried and true recipe and not one that I found on the net. Oh and by the way I have no affiliations with the makers of this mixer. :)

Well folks that's it for today, need to sew whilst the energy is there, it won't last.

Finally returned with lots to talk about

Hello friends

This is probably going to be my longest post to date.

So much time has lapsed since I last posted, but there is a good reason. I needed to undergo a colonoscopy in the big smoke a.k.a the city, and we were there for 6 days all up whilst I did the bowel prep and then had the procedure. The lead up to the procedure was the most anxious, life focusing time I have experienced. I am naturally nervous and super anxious concerning all things medical. Talk about white coat fever!


Anyway as is usually the case with me there was nothing to worry about. Sure the risk was very high for me due to my extreme obesity but the medical team were highly trained professionals who also had great caring natures. They treated me with utmost respect and dignity and I felt I was in safe hands. I got the all clear and they only removed one small polyp that didn't look nasty.


The anaethetist usually administers sedation prior to the procedure, but due to other health complications I was unable to have it.  Despite my very high anxiety in hearing this bit of news it was all fine. In fact I was was able to watch the whole procedure on the screen. I was joking and laughing with the nurses, doctors and aneathetist.


I do like the learning about the workings of the human body.
Oh and I forgot to say that part of the prep for me was not eating from the Tuesday lunchtime until after the procedure on Friday afternoon. All I was allowed was clear fluids and the ghastly laxative powders. I am 100% amazed that I could do this, given my eating history. It was difficult to say the least, but I did it and the consultant congratulated me on the great prep I had done.
Top marks eh? I wonder if I can add it to my resume??
 
 

               this bird lived in the tree outside my girls home

 
So after that episode, the bloke and I headed up to Geraldton a mid west coastal city, some 400 kms North of Perth. Our daughter Emily lives there and we had not visited the place the whole time she has been living there which is over 2 years. My brother and the blokes sister also live there so it was great to catch up with them all which we did at a BBQ I organised before we left.
Our girl rents a small former fishing cottage quite near to the water. Just a little place that she has made her own by painting everything in reach blue, her favourite colour (Yes she had permission from the owner). 

My brother loves his orchids

It was cute to stay there, we were sleeping on a borrowed bed in the lounge right near the t.v so we didn't mind one bit. Had a nice time. Whilst we up there we headed on to a place called Kalbarri, about an hour and a halfs drive from Geraldton. Well this place is lovely. First stop was Chinaman's beach where we all had a cup of tea, that is me, the bloke and my brother and SIL.

                                         Chinaman's Beach, Kalbarri

Then we drove around the town grabbed some lunch before heading home again. Dinner that night was again shared with my brother. It was very nice, as my SIL made curry as she knew I loved it. Thanks Dot.

Got home yesterday and I am very happy to be home. It is good to get away but even better to come home again. I have my home set up to suit me and all my needs and it is my safe place. Comfortable again. It will be a long while before I get back in the car, it is just too darn cramped for me with my leg issues. I was in extreme dicomfort the whole time we travelled.

Panadol only does so much.

Any way I am going to put some pics up to show you some of the things we saw.
Hope your still reading this mammoth post.


Till next time