Friday, May 25, 2012

Confessions of an Over-eater

I feel like I am on a runaway train. Yep, not stopping at any stations, just full steam ahead, and get out of the way. It is making me feel insane with it's ferocity. The more I think about it the more I anxious I become.
Yes I reckon it's all based on my high levels of anxiety. Oh did I tell you what it is? No? Well it is the same thing I have often mentioned here and everywhere else in my life. Well, it is all consuming. Gawd, that's a  funny term of words considering the subject. It's the issue of my eating. Well more my overeating!

Four months on from my serious brush with death, I am in the predictable situation of regaining the weight I had shed. I haven't weighed myself for about four weeks, but I know I feel heavier. I knew at the onset when they put me on the very restrictive caloric diet that I was being set up for a fail. For over thirty years I had been on the weight loss wagon. I lost some and then regained it, each time. I have undergone weight loss surgery (WLS) and lost and regained over thirty kg's plus much, much more. I've tried the food replacement, psychology, you get the picture. The result is always the same-I lose some but regain more.
I have no go slow button. No moderation, it's all go for me.
I feel for my family. I really do. I often think how hard it must be for them living with me and the consequences of my poor choices. That's the bloody maddening thing about this particular issue, it does impact others. 
From the time I wake up at about 5am until I go to bed at night I crave food. I no sooner eat one thing and I'm thinking about the next thing I can eat. I experience it as a deep, empty hunger feeling, although there is the another part of me that thinks/knows that this is is not a real need for food hunger, but an anxiety led frenzy. Okay, so then let's control the anxiety. Would seem fairly simple really. Well I certainly have my go to tools for that, after all, in another life I used to assist people with anxieties. I use them, sometimes it works, other times not so much.
 How frustrating this makes me feel. My youngest daughter has even put calming music onto my iPad (listed as "Mum's Calming Music") to use when necessary. 

So when I do eat what am I eating? Everything. Fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, cold meats, yogurts, and lots of extra 'empty' calories such as *cringing in shame* potato chips, cake, lollies, takeaway foods. Now I am really disappointed that I went back to the TA's as I had been able to refrain from eating them for a good while. 
So why have I gone backwards? Many reasons, some easily explained some not so. 
There are many things at play in my life which contribute to the whole situation, but I wont be able to discuss them all as it directly effects my loved ones.
Suffice to say I am in trouble. I feel so heavy, sad, desperate and hopeless. Feelings that I am sure are shared by the bloke and my kids, some of my siblings, and of course my good friends. 
I am so terrified of ending up in the same situation I was in earlier in the year. So scared of dying that I don't     fully live. 
Wow this has been a heavy post. When I came to the blog I had not real topic in mind, but this just seemed to flow out of me. Guess I needed to release it. 

*Note: I want to let anyone reading this that I am not asking for help or miracles, actually miracle will be acceptable. I know that some people feel that they want to help in this situation, but really is there anything that can be done? I will also say that if anyone does read this post and wants to ask questions, please do do and I will try and answer them.

So that's it for now, 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Follow up Pics

I couldn't resist adding another pic of my owl. The Bloke has taken a real shine to these softies and thought it would be funny to pose this one among the greenery on the patio. I must admit that I like him showing an interest in my craft and he makes me laugh with his crazy antics. 
I took a few pics to show the lovely morning tea prepared by the girls yesterday. Amy the eldest baked the cakes, slices, muffins and made a lovely sponge cake-her first. 
Katie, made the lovely bread case quiches. These are always a hit, and quickly disappear, and they are so easy to make. If your interested this is what you do.

I use a 12 pan muffin tin; greased
12 slices of bread, remove crusts and butter lightly
in a bowl add beaten eggs, usually about 3-4
1/2 to 1 finely chopped small onion, depending how much you like your onion
2-3 rashes chopped bacon
about a half cup grated cheese, it all depends on your own likes
then put into a medium oven until golden brown
eat straight away, although they are nice eaten cold too.
You can put anything in you like in them

The picture below has the bread cases on the bottom tier

This is the card that my youngest made for me. She is a lot like me in that she likes doing handmade stuff. I love it. That's all folks.

Take care

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mothers Day 2012

                                        (The circle around the face was not done by me, and I can't remove it)

Hello on this cool but sunny Sunday. Here in the southern hemisphere it is proclaimed that this day is called mothers day. My family don't go all out for the day and in fact it is usually low key. I have even told my kids that I do not want any presents or fuss, but rather they come together with me for some sharing of a cuppa and a some food. So the girls have cooked some lovely stuff and we meet at about 10am this morning. I have also invited two of my sisters to share in the morning. One person who will be very missed from the get together is my mum. She's been gone from us for two years this August. I came a across some photos of her last night and I felt the loss deeply. Oh mama where are you? Just want to hear your voice again, just one more time. Do you know that our girl Amy is going to be a mother this August? Oh how excited you would be. You were with her all through her life from birth to your last days when she slept by your bed, keeping a vigil as you slipped quietly away from us. I hope you can look upon us all and see all the good things we do as a result of you. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Friday chit chat

Hello, how are you on this Friday? I am tired, as usual. Despite persevering with my bipap mask I am still waking up as tired as before I went to bed. I have a follow up appointment in a months time and I am hoping the consultant will be able to help. It makes daily life difficult as I find myself constantly dozing off and then waking. 

I have not been blogging as much as I want to, as it seems like the well is dried up. I think for me, when I am in my dark moods the words dry up. I often wait until a window of light appears before I can hit the keyboard. However when I do post it is a real smorgasbord. It works for me. It might be off putting if anyone else is reading this, but there you go.

These are two of my latest softies. My eldest daughter requested them for her expected baby. I was happy to oblige. This baby is going to have a lot of handmade goodies. My daughter is 6 months pregnant now and we are all delighted in watching her pregnancy progress. Her sisters are very excited. They talk of what each of them will be doing. Who will take on the book reading so that he becomes a clever little munchkin. The places they will take him, the things he will do. Me? Well I'm just counting the days until once again I get to cradle a most precious gift in my arms. I look forward with interest to see how my child mothers her own child. I will try not to be a 'do it like this' type of granny, but rather stand by and let her take her own lead and parent in the way she feels is best. Of course if she asks I will be happy to advice and guide. I wonder if becoming a grandparent is a chance to rectify some of our parenting 'stuff ups'? 
Just a short post today, mainly to prove I am still around, just quieter than usual.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Life on a Thursday

Thursday and another week is almost done. I am finding that the weeks are flying by. With looming deadlines for weddings, births and probably other fun things I have forgotten about for the moment I am feeling anxious. Yep, it is my go to emotion, despite the fact that is really rubbish at helping in any situation, except maybe if a saber tooth tiger was chasing me. I'll be ready then. 
I'm pretty happy today as it is the day before the bloke starts his 4 day break, and that is something I love. He can be good company when we aren't driving each other crazy. 

Have managed to start and complete another small quilt for my yet to arrive grandson. It is a design I came across and loved from the clever woman
It's called the Bye, Bye Bunting quilt.

My daughter has asked me to make her a set of owls to decorate the baby's room. Guess there is no end to the  projects one can make for a baby. But I think handmade stuff is supreme. I am only jealous that I didn't get all these glorious baby products when I had my children.
In the past week there has been some decluttering going on. To date we have only made a small inroads into the job, but it is a work in progress shall we say? One great thing is that as we come across things belonging to our kids who are now living out of home we can pass these on to them. Oh it's great and despite their cries of I don't want it, we deliver said stuff for them to do as they wish. This week alone we have managed to rid ourselves of a whole cupboard of the soft toy collection belonging to the eldest daughter, who is expecting the baby soon. Win-win in my eyes we get rid of it the and the baby gets some 'heirloom' or is that 'vintage' toys. ha ha

                            Just some of the colourful critters returned to their owners

The above little darling is something I drew up with thoughts that the baby could grab hold of something small and chew on if he wanted. It didn't turn out the way I hoped, but the bloke wouldn't let me throw him out, and instead sat there and patiently stuffed the fill into it and asked me to then close the opening. Well our daughter thought it was cute enough to add to the collection, and so we all pleased.
If your still here, thanks for visiting my rambles and I would love to hear from you some time, when you get time.

Take care,